This is life right now.

So I’ve got some much written down in my little book of “what I should write/blog about” but tonight I just want to do a short post.

Life is crazy, I still don’t understand why life has given me a body that cant make a baby but I am excited with the prospect of using this body and brain to train as an RN and really put to work the awesomeness that our nurses in society already strive to give us.

I did my First Aid Certificate on Monday. I met so many people from different backgrounds and reasoning’s as to why they were doing the certificate….to work with youth off the street, to work as a volunteer with children at a camp, security guard and full time carer for his parents but trying to get back onto teaching……

My reason for doing this spans over a few things, mainly its helped me focus my mind off the whole not falling pregnant, secondly, I love what I do with my work right now but I want to do more and thirdly, I wasted my time at uni last time because I really didn’t know what I wanted to do and yet this time around I have a passion, I have a cause and I have the support of friends and family to do this.

I’m proud to say I’m a mature student. I’m 32 and going back to university. I’m still going to be working, I’m going to use my brain and I’m excited for the next three years of hard work.

Thank you Mr.M for your support. Without you and you encouragement I wouldn’t have embarked on this journey and that means the world to me. You are my rock and I cant wait to be able to take some pressure off you once I’m a qualified nurse xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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I thought I wouldn’t cry.

So a month ago B and I decided to stop talking about having a baby.

After over three years of trying, after 3 years of questioning, after 3 years of planning, peeing on sticks and frustration, we decided to not head down the IVF route and more to focus on our future together and move forward, healthy, together and happy.

I’m tired, and I think this is where this post is coming from.

This morning I had all intentions of going to work for 2 hours, coming home, cleaning, prepping dinner and sorting out my cert 3 work. Instead, after working 25 hours over two days, I have come home, sorted my cert 3 folders and put a film on.

I didn’t even look at the title or what it was about but after sorting everything out I decided to sit down and start paying attention to the film.

The film is called mothers and daughters and as I watch I cry. And cry and cry and cry.

I start to question myself as to why am I crying? I have made the decision, I am comfortable and happy with this decision and yet I sit here and cry and now write this post.

A beautiful and long time friend of mine emailed me last week. She was so excited about what she had found out. As I read the email I found she was talking about fertility and this miracle that had happened to a 42 year old after having a procedure under this certain doctor. She sent me the link to this doctor and although I had decided last month to not thinking about anything else baby, I clicked the link.

There was my fertility doctor. As plain as the eye can see. I had the procedure done by her last July when they were removing the tumour. I had the procedure that had had a 42 year old woman and all her friends whom she had recommended to have it too, fall pregnant. But here I was again, not pregnant and not understanding why.

I emailed back my beautiful friend to let her know I had already been down that road. I requested we no longer talked about babies as it did strike a chord after I thought I was ok……..

I don’t think I’m ever going to be ok, but I think each day will get easier. I hope.

So many of my friends have fallen pregnant this year. Most recently being told today. I love them all dearly and am so happy that their bodies have allowed them to become pregnant.

It will never stop hurting. I just need you to be patient with me and accept that you are so lucky to be able to be going through this journey.

 

 

Gluten Free – umm what?

So, I haven’t posted on here for some time. This is due to time, conversational topics and the lack of ‘meh’ that I have had.

That’s right. I’ve felt ‘meh’ for a few weeks now and I decided to do something about it. my hips are sore. I went to a remial massuse. My sleep is terrible. I’ve taken sleeping tablets. My overall mood has been nonchalant. I have kept going.

Enough is enough. So I went to the doctors yesterday and was able to unload a heap world of hurt onto poor doctor J and he prescribed the following; thyroid testing, all “normal testing” vit B, D etc., rheumatoid arthritis, endometriosis and those are just the beginning. He also suggested that I go onto a gluten free diet.

So what does any blogger, writer, whinger, attention seeker do? She posts this journey on Facebook. Turns out not only is my mum coeliac but so is my father. Makes sense to think I might be too?

So today was my first day as gluten free. I have also been looking a lot into the SirtFood way of living and I actually love it AND its pretty much gluten free. So, today my journey started.

I had green juice, bone broth and a black coffee this morning. I continued my day with my, actually quite tasty green juice and then tonight, I made a pan fried green and salmon dish! It was so yum and I even found the alternative to Soy Sauce in the form of tamari! Happy days!

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I am so full and satisfied I’m ready to do a happy dance!

 

Missing You

My heart aches for 10 days when my husband is not with me. Aching is such a random “feeling” to describe but it aches in so many ways.

The ache of missing, wanting that touch, that beautiful kiss, the embrace of a hug after a long day of work.

The ache of security, checking the front door is locked before bedtime, getting up in the middle of the night to check on a suspicious noise. Answering the door when it is dark outside.

The ache of continuity, like having him walk through the door at the same time, mowing the lawns, talking to me face to face, the cute slap of the bum as you pass in the corridor.

The ache of love. His touch, embrace of a hug and kiss, the protective feeling you get when you are just centimetres apart.

I hardly laugh when my husband is away, well, until I speak with him on the phone and we can share stories of our day and enjoy that connection be it ever so brief.

I look forward to his return. I count the sleeps, he doesn’t like that until we are atleast on two sleeps to go, but every night I mentally tick of the next sleep before he is coming home, he is my everything, my laughter, my rock, my handyman and best of all my friend,

The reason for tonight’s post is because I just rang my grandma, she is my grandma by second marriage and unfortunately my grandpa passed away last year. but she of course remains a granny of mine and living in Australia it daoes take more effort and planning to communicate.

We chatted for 30 minutes, no concern on the cost of the call and just enjoyed each others stories of my grandpa, she talked about how he just accepted her for her, took on her life, her child, her marriage break up and how he tried to always make everything better for her.

I talked about how grandpa always tried to understand how my generation didn’t stay in the same job for the rest of your life. How he never judged, never passed comment unless comment was due and how he always made you feel important.

I’m sad I wasn’t there at the end of his life, he died 6 months after I had been back to the UK for my mums wedding. He told me the day mum got married to my amazing step father that he could finally feel peace for my mum and that he was so proud of her and that he could now die knowing she was happy.

The reason for this post tonight is to make you stop and think. Life comes and goes. Be thankful for who you have in it and how they enrich your life. My life is like a gold mine with my husband showing me the way forward. I couldn’t imagine my life without him, but yet there are billions of people every day living their lives with loves lost and we need to think about them when we get to (eventually) snuggle down with them at night and sleep peacefully knowing they are going to be there in the morning x

 

 

 

Facebook

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So I started a facebook “page” for my blog this morning. I was early for a client and couldn’t go in so I was messing around with Facebook and came out with this idea.

The whole point to this is so I don’t p*** anyone off with my blog posts, I think I am that aware of p***ing someone off that I don’t write as much and therefore deprive the world of ‘Samanthas Thoughts!’

So welcome to my blog if you are a newbie, welcome back to those followers that have been with me from the beginning and hello to those who like to pop in every now and again and find out what’s on my mind.

I hope this blog will bring laughter, insight and maybe a few tears depending on what time of the month it is.

xoxo

*** and of course as I post this I realise this is going to my original facebook wall not my blog facebook wall and thus tells you a little more about me……..***

 

 

Untitled Poem

I know that I am never going to meet you,
but my love for you grows stronger every day.

I know that I have failed as a woman,
no matter what everyone tries to say.

I want to understand why this is happening,
to find a way forward in such a dark hole.

I want to accept this for what it is,
but I wont, because it’s taken over my soul.

I hope the tears will stop one day soon,
so you and I can rest together.

I hoped that this wouldn’t be the case,
but in my heart you will live forever.

Samantha Musgrave
6/3/16

 

To Care is Caring

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For those of you who don’t know. I quit my job as a Manger In Training (MIT) in mid December. Things happened in my life last year that, rather then them letting me slip back into a deep hole of depression, I took the bull by the horns and used my experiences for the better.

I became a Community Care Worker (CCW). I went down to part time, I lost wages but I gained me.

My role is predominantly with the elderly who have dementia or are restricted in their daily lives and require someone to come in and help them out. My role ranges from a social chat (yes I get paid to talk), making breakfast/lunch/dinner or even a whole selection of food for a week, assisting in showers, cleaning houses, taking or going shopping for clients and generally being there for them from 30 minutes all the way through to 8 hours of relief.

This next paragraph may offend, shock or bring to light about me to people so carry on reading if you dare. I used to be quite a judgemental person. Id look at people and wonder why they hadn’t “aspired” to be more in their lives. Why they weren’t in an office, or a manager of some sort. I now know that is all such bullshit.

I have a degree, I was training to become a manager for one of the biggest jewellery companies around and yet no qualification or job experience can make you a carer. You can teach empathy, you can learn respect, you can be told what is right and wrong, you can be taught understanding, but if you can’t use it properly its wasted. These are only a handful of skills carers need. You need to be open minded and respectful to the fact you are in someone else’s home, that their dignity needs to be persevered as if you were dealing with the queen, that what they feel is normal to do may be completely alien to you but you do it the way they want because, lets face it, you’re being paid to help them out for the short amount of time you are with them.

Which brings me on to my last point. I am a carer for 10 days out of a fortnight. I may see 30 clients a week and regardless of the time I spend with them I treasure every appointment. There are carers, family members, who are full time carers for these beautiful people and I take my hat off to them. It would be such a hard job doing it 24 7. I get paid to make people smile and enjoy their time with me. They don’t. They truly are angels.

I like this person I have become, no scrap that, I love the person this job has allowed me to finally be.