Opening Pandora’s Box – Written Monday 19 Jan 2015

I’ve taken a deep breath before I commit myself to write this. I haven’t written in over 7 years. Not because I haven’t wanted to but because other situations and a new life have taken precedent.

When I started writing, it was my way of coping and then it progressed onto me healing. I guess the reason I haven’t written for so long is because that past chapter of my life has closed and another, beautiful one opened for me.

So I guess I will start by saying, there truly is a silver lining on any horror story, any times or hurt or grief, and generally at the end of any time that you may ask the question “why me?”

Let’s start and introduce myself. My name is Samantha and I am 30 years old. It feels funny typing that as it was only my birthday a week ago but I’m definitely 30- however I don’t feel it one bit. Well, I say that, what I mean from not feeling it one bit is that I don’t feel like I’m 30, I don’t feel like I have been on this earth for 30 years! On the other hand I know full well I am 30 because I have “laughter lines” (that’s right they aren’t wrinkles!) and I have a mortgage, a husband and commitments that I relish in. I live in Australia and have been here for 6 ½ years.

Coming to Australia in October 2008 was the best thing I have ever done in my life. It started out as a journey to find myself and yet in that journey, and very early on, I met a man who would encourage me to grow and achieve more than I could ever hope to have done had I been doing it alone.

You see, I have depression. I am depressed. I have a psychological disorder. However you want to label this “condition” I see it as sadness. I had a sadness that I did not know how to cope with and that consumed a lot of my teen years. It’s a part of me that I have learnt to love and grow with. I know what you’re thinking, “how could someone love being depressed?” but see, you are asking the wrong question. You should be asking “how has she learnt to love her depression?”

I have totally gone off subject right now but I think this is a pretty important subject to connect and talk about.

I love my depression because that is me. I have learnt to love myself through many years of not enjoying me. Worrying what others thought about me and often not wanting to be me. I am a fortunate one though, through years of counselling and marrying the most incredible man, I have learnt that I am not sick, I am not sad, I am not wrong. I have learnt that I am me, I have my ups and downs, I have my moments of wanting to hide away, I have my moments when I question what life is really all about but it all comes down to one thing, who am I and do I want to be that person?

So many people comment on what an endearing person I am. How full of life I am. What wonderful confidence I have and how I light up a room by just walking into it. People say I am charismatic, that I radiate confidence. I do feel confident in situations I know. I love my life, my job and my friends. I am confident in situations I know and can control. I am not confident in those I don’t.

I don’t do big crowds, I don’t deal with sudden change very well and I am seriously the biggest home 30 year old you could meet! The idea of going out “clubbing” on a Friday or Saturday night is my idea of a nightmare, yet catch me 10 years ago and you would never find me at home. Makes me think, I was trying to escape something and now I’m quite happy to be the “boring” 30 year old sat at home with her husband and 3 fur babies?

But you know what? I enjoy fine wine, I relish in wonderful home cooked and take away food. I enjoy being able to have a steady conversation with my husband or friend, whomever will listen at the time, rather than fighting over the loud doof doof of the base in a club.

I met Chris today, he is a children’s poetry writer. His concept and the way he and his wife approach life is one to be bottled up and sold for millions. They met me for all of 30 minutes and yet I felt like I had known them for a life time. Their admiration and love for each other was incredible after over 20 years of marriage. This is a power couple that I look up to. These people I shared a glass of sparkling with have inspired me to start writing tonight.

 

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