I thought I wouldn’t cry.

So a month ago B and I decided to stop talking about having a baby.

After over three years of trying, after 3 years of questioning, after 3 years of planning, peeing on sticks and frustration, we decided to not head down the IVF route and more to focus on our future together and move forward, healthy, together and happy.

I’m tired, and I think this is where this post is coming from.

This morning I had all intentions of going to work for 2 hours, coming home, cleaning, prepping dinner and sorting out my cert 3 work. Instead, after working 25 hours over two days, I have come home, sorted my cert 3 folders and put a film on.

I didn’t even look at the title or what it was about but after sorting everything out I decided to sit down and start paying attention to the film.

The film is called mothers and daughters and as I watch I cry. And cry and cry and cry.

I start to question myself as to why am I crying? I have made the decision, I am comfortable and happy with this decision and yet I sit here and cry and now write this post.

A beautiful and long time friend of mine emailed me last week. She was so excited about what she had found out. As I read the email I found she was talking about fertility and this miracle that had happened to a 42 year old after having a procedure under this certain doctor. She sent me the link to this doctor and although I had decided last month to not thinking about anything else baby, I clicked the link.

There was my fertility doctor. As plain as the eye can see. I had the procedure done by her last July when they were removing the tumour. I had the procedure that had had a 42 year old woman and all her friends whom she had recommended to have it too, fall pregnant. But here I was again, not pregnant and not understanding why.

I emailed back my beautiful friend to let her know I had already been down that road. I requested we no longer talked about babies as it did strike a chord after I thought I was ok……..

I don’t think I’m ever going to be ok, but I think each day will get easier. I hope.

So many of my friends have fallen pregnant this year. Most recently being told today. I love them all dearly and am so happy that their bodies have allowed them to become pregnant.

It will never stop hurting. I just need you to be patient with me and accept that you are so lucky to be able to be going through this journey.




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